Once again, we prove that we are too brittle to break,
Too callous to ever invoke real intimacy,
Too cowardly to forgive anyone.
I broke myself down today.
I managed that by allowing myself to see
How minimal, miniscule I am to you in the grand measure of things.
These pills meant to remedy have made me sick to my stomach as
They lay atop each other in my gut, one after another.
They help me realize that not one letter gets read,
Not one words get processed as realistic,
Not one sentence invokes any feelings of genuine attraction.
We're allowed to be damaged and to revel in it, sometimes.
We can take a break from faking our happiness and fulfillment,
A brief moment away from fooling ourselves that we're better off this way.
We can take some time to just feel sad and not know why,
To lie awake at 3 A.M. and bask in all of the mistakes we have made.
To beat ourselves over the head with them until we feel that we have
Fully learned what we were meant to learn from those moments.
I can take six months of an emotional hiatus from nearly everyone in order to fully comprehend
What a shitty, selfish person one can be and how to fully distance yourself from that,
But the only true form of salvation is not only your own personal forgiveness,
But the true forgiveness of those that you have wronged,
But will never receive.
So we wander around just hoping to God that we're doing this right this time,
Scared shitless of our own present and future because of the past,
With no remedy in sight,
Other than to keep pushing forward until eventually,
You just realize that you feel okay.
Everyone is so far away, you cannot afford to fuck up once again,
In fear of completely losing everything you haven't already lost in the past year.
Happy Halloween.
You can't bear to ruin another good friendship or another person's life with your selfishness,
So you live in fear of yourself.
You're not depressed anymore to the point of binging on alcohol to numb the pain anymore,
It even makes you sick to be like that anymore.
You not happy enough to ever truly live in the moment, just always daydreaming about tomorrow
And how great it will all be once everything falls into place, someday.
But your always living day by day, hoping today will be the day you get graced with a response.
With at least an "I forgive you."
But everyone is so fucking far away from you.
You try every single day to get one step closer to realizing who you truly are,
Who exactly who you want to be and how to best acheive it,
How to become the best you there ever was,
And every day you are just another step further from yourself.
I'm tired of sleeping alone.
But I don't want to sleep with anyone else at all.
Intimacy, as I've come to understand, is something I very much desire
But always escapes me, somehow.
So what now? Happy Halloween.
"Nobody exists on purpose,
Nobody belongs anywhere,
Everybody is going to die."
I'm still wrapping my head around that.
