I Was Loved

Funny how fast things can go from present to past participle.

It happens so smoothly, it seems no one notices at all

From one day choosing furniture and lying naked, joking

To ignoring each other in public, to barely noticing

To making out as if there was never a spark at all.

Or are we fronting?

Seems cliche to say, but I'm sure that there's more,

I'm sure there's some facet in this we hadn't yet explored,

Something that would bind us closer and indefinitely

But there's too many missed words to allow these things.

I see you on the corner, but I see you aren't mine.

You're everyone else's.

I remember reaching out to friends, asking "where do I go from here?"

Their answer? "Just go away, it'll be worse than you've ever feared"

And I laughed and shrugged them off, saying "what do you know?

You don't know the kind person I am now, I've grown tenfold!

There isn't anything that I cannot accomplish"

But how can anyone predict another?

Coming "home" for days and playing husband,

Cleaning every corner of the house, at least he ones he wasn't in

And hoping to be met with some sort of astonishment

"You're the best, holy shit, we're so lucky to have met"

Watching documentaries of people I don't care about

Only to ask you more of them.

Never once was I met with a question, of why I am me;

Of what makes me tick, of where I wanted to be,

Of dreams and plans and fears and ultimately fantasies.

All I ever heard was "you're not this, you're not me"

So glad that there's sanctuary after the fall,

At least, I thought there was.

Moping, mourning, laying awake until 4 AM

And wondering why you won't ever touch me again.

You're six inches away and yet there's no desire

There's no reason to be here other than I'm hoping for desire

You blame it on everything else but what's in front,

But we both know better than that.

Lying here in the break of dawn alone, and writing out my laments,

I'm wondering why you did those, and where we could have been,

I'm jealous of everyone, of people I've never met

And yet I'm anxious of what will happen, of your astonishment

That everything's that's been said has been a front,

As hurt as I am, I cannot hurt you back.

I was once loved, and met with it each and everyday

From feeling you wrapped around me, to in between prolonged gaze

And now I' just an afterthought, I'm just a past tense,

I'm less of a man, rather, I'm more of a failed chance.

I'm everything I don't wanna be,

I want to be presently loved.