Sad Songs From A Colder Country

"Looking at the sunset skyline that resembles 

The creases in the corners of your mouth when you smile. 

Where have you been lately?"

A hollow horn from a faraway train can be heard through the coldness in this place

It sits atop the canyons and resonates when it wants, it does it's best to claim it's place as my new lasting haunt.

These tiny hands can only do so much in a day, while you're somewhere far away enjoying breaths from the day

And I'll be good, my dear. I promise I'll be good.

I think and think about all the "maybes" that I want to become "shoulds".

I'm paralyzed on a daily basis from the fear of going it alone,

I know I'm madly in love with you my dear, more than I love this new town I call a home.

I count the hours that go between each message from afar,

I don't care if they're nice or mean, it just means I'm a part of where you are.

And oh Lord, how I am trying. I am trying to be the best man that I can be,

I look back at those empty days with disdain, I look at the future as one big "maybe".

Count blessings like you're counting the stars, but once you get into it you forget exactly where you start

And we're alone now, yes you and me

But not alone with each other, we're just two oarless boats in the same hopeless sea

I pray for clarity, oh God, and how I pray for belief

I pray that one day very soon you will open your chest and see there's a spot designed perfectly for me

But not tonight, and probably not tomorrow,

I'll have to keep on sitting alone in this foreign town and keep on searching for the right path to follow.

I miss the warmth from your bed, I long for the brushing of your carpet against my cheek

I miss the feeling I got when my brown eyes would glow a bit from your blue eyes reflecting back at me

I had a universe in a corner of that room, where entire planets of interests would collide

And create new worlds in their wake, ones made from the passion you could provide.

But now I sleep on someone else's property, I live on someone else's time

I know I have a lot to prove, but holy shit, that's such a steep climb.

And I will climb to the top, and I will shout your name from the precipice

I want to hold you above me so you're the tallest, proudest thing on this canvas.

I want to celebrate your wins, I want to spit at those who doubt

I want to be the name at the tip of your tongue when people ask "what's the one thing you couldn't do without?"

If love is just a four letter word, then I want to be the one to make you spell it out slowly,

Making every sound out your mouth last longer than the one before until it becomes the only word you ever speak.

It's getting cold to the touch out here, just like the passions you give

This lonely place only serves to remind me of the position that we're currently in.

But who's job is it to conquer? To brazen up and survive and provide?

I don't expect a whole lot to come to me now, because I know how I used to push it aside.

We all start out young and dumb and selfish and the worst of our kind.

I just hope you truly believe in the changes going on inside & outside.

It's awful quiet in this new town of mine, it's off to a rocky start

But who would ever want to look back and read a book about how things were always fine the way they are?

I now sleep all alone, on a couch where the memories decide to sit on my side

I pray to Jesus every night and day that this is all leading me to all I desire.

I try to count the cherished moments share, just like trying to count the stars

But they all flood in at once and so I never get very far.

One always sticks out in particular, for whatever moment that may be

But it never gets old or tired or corrupted, and that's how I know the things I tell you, I truly mean.

One day, we will feel no pain at all. This will all just be a funny memory

Of a lowly time when I was just a pathetic man only dreaming of you here with me.

To imagine the taste of victory, in these troubled times and town,

I know sometime very soon, all these evils swimming up will lose their faith in me and drown.

It's been months now, darling, and these things have a habit of dying in their own time.

I just hope you can accept that and push on, pull through to me and leave it all behind.

All we can do is hope, we can't pretend to be foolish and think

That we will never rise again, shine beautifully and become overwhelmed by the sight of everything.

Of all the colors and the happiness and the future that dreams bring

I can't force myself to drown when I know it's all waiting there for me.

And it's waiting for you too, it's grinding in teeth in impatience for us

It wants to shake us loose from these confines and roll us together in it's arms

It's all there, it wants to come back, it wants to be seen and realized

It wants to be enjoyed by us as promised, it wants to savor us for all that time

We spent wallowing in fear, in desperation and hate

It wants to see us realized and wrap us in good faith.

Now will you see it through? See us shine? See your love for me?

Oh darling, sweet beautiful baby, dear, I want this more than anyone could believe.

I want the kingdom of Heaven to envy us, the canyons to quake as we enter the halls,

I just can't wait to have the stars fall down just get a closer look at how we have it all.

I look up to no man, because they will never have what I will

And that includes you, darling, and it just means we will have it all.

We will have it all.

This is what passion looks like. There is beauty behind that sunset, and it's everything we've ever wanted.

Pictures

I don't want to ruin my pre-conceived thoughts of how I think you are.

I'd rather just sit in my disillusion of what you're really up to.

But in all honesty, it's probably not that bad.

I just don't want to know. At least not tonight.

Let's wait until tomorrow when I can find an activity 

To keep me occupied if it is upsetting.

But I think I have to approach it eventually and know

The truth just so I can deal with it accordingly.

The truth is usually a bit painful though, no matter what it is.

It makes me think a lot.

It makes me think and fantasize about realities and situations

That I shouldn't.

Then I make myself feel that pain just so I can absorb it

And then react accordingly.

I hurt myself, basically.

But it's all in an effort to know the truth

Get better, and grow.

Blame it on the OCD.

I just want to keep that pretty little picture of you untainted in my head.

But I need to embrace the ugly truth.

I just hope the truth isn't that ugly.

Maybe even pretty.

As pretty as you.

The Game of Abstaining

I can't help but hope for the burning.

Your tainted crooked smile smears across one cheek to the other,

Licking away at the fulfillment you enjoy as you taste sweet revenge.

One lover lied to another, one lover between another.

I hope that sense of satisfaction gasps like a vile perfume when it's gone,

When the lie of abstinence and devotion creeps up and murmurs

It's little revelations and corruptions into your ear:

"What you did to him, is what will happen to you.

What you said to him, will it happen to you too?"

The smoke you blew clouds and faded away any second guessing,

Any reluctance to embrace what typically happens time and time again.

I hope the lie was worth his embrace. I hope the lie chokes you down.

I hope you take one look at your new love and realize it was built on the corpse of another.

You choked the life out of yourself in the process, you will never heal.

Your open sores you suggest only to me and hide in the face of your new fuck

Will only fester and rot with the years going by.

I hope your deception tasted sweet, because mine will be sweeter.

A relationship built upon the lie of another will devastate you all.

You will burn for this, I will smile from the smoke.

Numb to the Wrists

Numb to the wrists, executed with cutthroat callousness.
Precise timing like it's been harbored for weeks.
I talk in circles chewing on my lips,
Cement mixing in the head poured out into speech.


Can't we all just throw down our arms?
But sad songs always sound better.
Oh God, I guess I'm not that clever.
I'm not clever enough to glide over this.


The hostility chewed you up to rot from the inside out
You can't plug empty holes with empty words.
And now that sickness has spread through your mouth,
Your teeth begin to glisten with the foam of a ravenous curse.
The glow inside has begun to decay,
It blinks and hums and twinkles but into new hues of grey.
My heart is sinking fast like a wedding bouquet,
And all I wanted was to crown royalty.


Collisions all wrapped in grandiose tapestries,
Collectively introducing new forms of punishment,
Of new definitions of forgiveness and judgement.
Treat me like the wash, reused and made clean.
Ground those words into the dirt, make love into a battlecry.


But sad songs always do sound better,
And I guess I really am not that clever.

Pink, Lavender, Blue...Grey.

Laugh all you want, but it's happened again.

I've reached that all too familiar point again, like how I knew it would come again.

I can't eat, I've puked all day, all I do is smoke and mope.

I can't think about her, I can't miss her.

I can't allow myself to remember the curves of her eyebrows,

How good she looked with and without makeup,

How I honestly had never seen a prettier face.

I can't think about how I've said this so many times before,

But yet this one felt oh so real,

So much better than the ones before,

How every moment she would come home from work,

I would get off my feet and get excited.

I can't let myself think about how I made the same mistakes again

(but not really),

How I did absolutely everything in my power to be a better man

And still came up short.

I can't think about the things she said, how she didn't love me,

How she didn't even like me

How she couldn't think of anything about me that she did like.

Then why spend so much time with me?
Why get an apartment with me? Why waste so much time?

I can't think about how I can be so unlikable, or what's wrong with me.

I can't start asking questions that I will never know the answers to.

I can't think about how all the lies and misinformation just keeps stacking up,

how I planned on making a life with this woman, with her baggage, with her children,

How I wanted to do the impossible with her, but got cut short.

Oh Lord, no. I can't think about the songs I've written for her,

Or the things I did NOT do, to please her.

I can't think about the things we shared and if we even shared them at all.

I can't miss all the intimate moments and details if those meant nothing at all.

All the talks, all the shared memories.

I just simply cannot. The lies hurt too much, and the truth even more.

What was true to begin with? The promises that didn't get kept.

I corrected my mistakes from previous encounters, I tried to give it my all when together,

Something that I never do. Why do I feel like I'm worthless?

Why was I lied to for a year?

Why  was I made the rebound for a girl that met me during her "party phase"?

Then when the time came to sober up and take off the rose-tinted glasses,

She no longer liked what she saw.

But I loved what I saw when that phase ended. How could it not be reciprocated?
How could someone so negative suck away all the positive I was giving?

Why were all my best efforts to change and be a good man not good enough?

Oh God, I'm asking questions. I'm starting to think.

I'll leave on this note: I loved her very much,

I saw through the flaws and loved everything about her.

I've never had that not reciprocated at all, and met with complete disgust before.

I'm sorry. I'm at a loss.

Apathetic Hubris

I enjoy a good joke from time to time,

Like a playful lover's bite.

I can boast ironic apprehension to what I am to find,

But I'm losing myself in this plight.

Hanging above me.

I'm losing everything;

A sense of foundation and of worry,

I'm losing most of those things

I never knew I had.

I can only puff up my chest so much

Before I'm choking on the boundaries,

I just can't keep coming up

With reasons why I should be sad.

Well how cliche was that?

Another attempt at a soliloquy,

We all know where we lie,

We can't help but fight our needs.

It's human nature to swallow down what we spit out,

It's the best interest of romance to buckle down.