Pink, Lavender, Blue...Grey.

Laugh all you want, but it's happened again.

I've reached that all too familiar point again, like how I knew it would come again.

I can't eat, I've puked all day, all I do is smoke and mope.

I can't think about her, I can't miss her.

I can't allow myself to remember the curves of her eyebrows,

How good she looked with and without makeup,

How I honestly had never seen a prettier face.

I can't think about how I've said this so many times before,

But yet this one felt oh so real,

So much better than the ones before,

How every moment she would come home from work,

I would get off my feet and get excited.

I can't let myself think about how I made the same mistakes again

(but not really),

How I did absolutely everything in my power to be a better man

And still came up short.

I can't think about the things she said, how she didn't love me,

How she didn't even like me

How she couldn't think of anything about me that she did like.

Then why spend so much time with me?
Why get an apartment with me? Why waste so much time?

I can't think about how I can be so unlikable, or what's wrong with me.

I can't start asking questions that I will never know the answers to.

I can't think about how all the lies and misinformation just keeps stacking up,

how I planned on making a life with this woman, with her baggage, with her children,

How I wanted to do the impossible with her, but got cut short.

Oh Lord, no. I can't think about the songs I've written for her,

Or the things I did NOT do, to please her.

I can't think about the things we shared and if we even shared them at all.

I can't miss all the intimate moments and details if those meant nothing at all.

All the talks, all the shared memories.

I just simply cannot. The lies hurt too much, and the truth even more.

What was true to begin with? The promises that didn't get kept.

I corrected my mistakes from previous encounters, I tried to give it my all when together,

Something that I never do. Why do I feel like I'm worthless?

Why was I lied to for a year?

Why  was I made the rebound for a girl that met me during her "party phase"?

Then when the time came to sober up and take off the rose-tinted glasses,

She no longer liked what she saw.

But I loved what I saw when that phase ended. How could it not be reciprocated?
How could someone so negative suck away all the positive I was giving?

Why were all my best efforts to change and be a good man not good enough?

Oh God, I'm asking questions. I'm starting to think.

I'll leave on this note: I loved her very much,

I saw through the flaws and loved everything about her.

I've never had that not reciprocated at all, and met with complete disgust before.

I'm sorry. I'm at a loss.