Friday, October 31, 2014

Pessimist Envy

Once again, we prove that we are too brittle to break,
Too callous to ever invoke real intimacy,
Too cowardly to forgive anyone.

I broke myself down today.
I managed that by allowing myself to see
How minimal, miniscule I am to you in the grand measure of things.
These pills meant to remedy have made me sick to my stomach as
They lay atop each other in my gut, one after another.
They help me realize that not one letter gets read,
Not one words get processed as realistic,
Not one sentence invokes any feelings of genuine attraction.

We're allowed to be damaged and to revel in it, sometimes.
We can take a break from faking our happiness and fulfillment,
A brief moment away from fooling ourselves that we're better off this way.
We can take some time to just feel sad and not know why,
To lie awake at 3 A.M. and bask in all of the mistakes we have made.
To beat ourselves over the head with them until we feel that we have
Fully learned what we were meant to learn from those moments.

I can take six months of an emotional hiatus from nearly everyone in order to fully comprehend
What a shitty, selfish person one can be and how to fully distance yourself from that,
But the only true form of salvation is not only your own personal forgiveness,
But the true forgiveness of those that you have wronged,
But will never receive.
So we wander around just hoping to God that we're doing this right this time,
Scared shitless of our own present and future because of the past,
With no remedy in sight,
Other than to keep pushing forward until eventually,
You just realize that you feel okay.

Everyone is so far away, you cannot afford to fuck up once again,
In fear of completely losing everything you haven't already lost in the past year.
Happy Halloween.
You can't bear to ruin another good friendship or another person's life with your selfishness,
So you live in fear of yourself.
You're not depressed anymore to the point of binging on alcohol to numb the pain anymore,
It even makes you sick to be like that anymore.
You not happy enough to ever truly live in the moment, just always daydreaming about tomorrow
And how great it will all be once everything falls into place, someday.
But your always living day by day, hoping today will be the day you get graced with a response.
With at least an "I forgive you."

But everyone is so fucking far away from you.

You try every single day to get one step closer to realizing who you truly are,
Who exactly who you want to be and how to best acheive it,
How to become the best you there ever was,
And every day you are just another step further from yourself.

I'm tired of sleeping alone.
But I don't want to sleep with anyone else at all.
Intimacy, as I've come to understand, is something I very much desire
But always escapes me, somehow.

So what now? Happy Halloween.

"Nobody exists on purpose,
Nobody belongs anywhere,
Everybody is going to die."

I'm still wrapping my head around that.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

THE EVIL IN THE EVERYDAY. (Part 1 of 3)

THE EVIL IN THE EVERYDAY. Take one.
It's a state of mind. It's a matter of perception,
It's that hollow fucking feeling you get when
You look someone in the eyes for too long.
It's awful emptiness you get when you're all alone
And not doing a damn thing.
When you should be doing something, anything.
So you rattle yourself into the soft and the familiar.
Te dumb, the numb.
Accept your evil, or refute it?
See the evil in everyone, now what do you do?
Everyday is the same.
To be saved is to progress.
Salvation is in the unknown
And knowing what I know now is enough.
Enough for the evil.
We're fucking animals, but worse.
At least animals don't ave a conscience.
Speak for yourself,
Who's the fucking creature here?
I see your evil everyday.
Technology will kill us all.
I see your evil everyday.

Keep Calm &

Keep calm and carry on, oh
Keep calm and carry on.
When THE EVIL IN THE EVERYDAY's too much,
Keep calm and carry on.

I got shot in the mouth just yesterday,
But all that came out were old love calls.
I know in my heart it's all for naught,
There's a fire in my brain that I can't put out.
Was I ever really in love at all? Well

Keep calm and revelate, oh
Keep calm and revelate.
I'm sick of replaying all the memories,
Keep calm and revelate.

You're so fucking cruel, it's paralyzing.
I'm only shaking because we're so far away.
Without you I'm getting strong, but with one word it'll all be gone.
How can I love so much the one I hate? So,

Keep calm and lose all hope, oh
Keep calm and lose all hope.
I'm a devil in disguise and I just found out.
Keep calm and lose all hope.

Your EVIL IN THE EVERYDAY's so loud,
All these drugs and pills and alcohol won't shut it up.
Pacing, scratching, biting for that oh-so-good inner peace.
Your last words demand a follow up.

Keep calm and kill yourself! You,
Keep calm and kill yourself!
But I'd still miss you even after death,
Keep calm and kill yourself!

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Neanderthal

In our defense, this innocence.
It tastes like how tears should taste like.
You're only basic and contrived and unexplored
Because I'm a fucking coward, afraid of his own skin
And you're an evil being, in love with herself and in love with satisfaction.
And that's just how it is, but you're mine.

I claim this earth as something prostitute,
Something this dead husk of a hole of a mind cannot comprehend.
You're still my light, though I'm trying to light my own way.
I don't need you, I want you.
I don't need you, I just want you for all my own.
So call me Roger.

I aim to please, darling. I aim to make you wake up wet.
I  choose to aim this cannon towards your heart,
But I should be aiming for your crotch.
Because it's not where the heart that all feelings stem, after all.
Once you're horny,
Once you know where your genitalia sit on the subject,
Then you know when your mind sits.

I trust you are a beacon of maturity.
But holy shit, you're also a blaring reminder of what my fucking neanderthal mind wants.
So click click click click.
Death to it all. Death to me.
Death to me.
I'll never be so primitive yet so commandeering.

Only on my own merits will I be satisfied.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Grew Some Fangs

If all the world’s a stage, then why does mine got no audience?
If life is just a play, who wrote this stupid monologue?
What’s my next line? Why can’t I play the part
Of protagonist, with direction, purpose and charm?

Am I holding out or holding on?
I grew some fangs, I have gruesome fangs.

I wanna be like you, just to feel like I have a place
Like I’m not wasting time, like I’m fine in any way
These fangs of mine, they bite down and rip apart
Only my tongue, and those with wide open arms.

Am I holding out or holding on?
I grew some fangs, I have gruesome fangs.

“I’m not well, I’m well…you know.
I’m vacant and I’m sort of alone.
These fangs thirst, they know what we've become.
They can't rest til it's undone and we're gone."

(Holes inside my head and chest haven't filled since the day you left.
I won't get to rest until a part of me's already dead.)

Am I holding out or holding on?
I grew some fangs, I have gruesome fangs.

Rabbit Hole

Sunk into a Rabbit Hole
And on the other side is where I fell
For months and years I dug about
But found myself inside here still.

Lost inside a rabbit hole
But found there’s safety inside those walls
It never shines, it’s never warm,
Here at the bottom there’s nowhere to fall.

Heaven help me,
I’ve lost footing
And all I want is
To bask in her loving…

Grace is gone in rabbit holes.
The filthy air somehow keeps me alive
You learn to trust the silence there
Cuz every word spoken’s another lie

I lose my mind in rabbit holes.
I’m not myself, just a hungry soul.
I scratch, I gasp, I beg and plead,
But I just dig deeper in rabbit holes.

Heaven help me,
I’ve lost footing
And all I want is

To bask in her loving grace.

Oh Lord No

Oh, Lord
Oh, no

Well, I love all those little things
That are slowly killing me.
You turn deaf on my last breath
Now we’ll wait for me to join,
Join the march of the dead.

Oh Lord, no.

We run in circles, talk in place, how can you?
We can’t outlive our past mistakes, how could you?
And all these talks of suicide, how can I?
Live to see you claim these lies,
The sun stills sets on your glowing pride.

Well, I love all those little things
That are slowly killing me.
You turn deaf on my last breath
Now we’ll wait for me to join,
Join the march of the dead.

Oh Lord, no.

I’ll take the blame, forgive, forget. How can you?
Swallow a drink when I’m upset. How could you?
And still I’m just a child inside, how can I?
Reach out for this dangled prize
While you turn away from those who try?

Well, I love all those little things
That are slowly killing me.
You turn deaf on my last breath
Now we’ll wait for me to join,
Join the march of the dead.


Oh Lord, no.

Talk

My pretty babe that’s so cold and mean,
What do you go and do when you don’t talk to me?
My mind is all gone, and my heart just won’t beat,
I’m losing myself when you don’t talk to me.

I gave you my love, my money and time
For six long hard months, I’ve waited for you.
Now I’m buried alive, with nothing to show
You’ve taken all and ran, but I still wait for you.

My pretty babe that’s so cold and mean,
What do you go and do when you don’t talk to me?
My mind is all gone, and my heart just won’t beat,
I’m losing myself when you don’t talk to me.

I’m barely a man, these days are all the same
I’ve barely got a soul, cuz my name’s dirt in your mouth
You won’t say a word, you don’t say what you do,
You blame it all on me but you don’t make a sound.

My pretty babe that’s so cold and mean,
What do you go and do when you don’t talk to me?
My mind is all gone, and my heart just won’t beat,
I’m losing myself when you don’t talk to me.

My thoughts now are grim, they wander and assume
The worst out of you, cuz there’s no way to know
I see from a distance you living on without me
And it’s breaking my heart to see it’s me you’ve outgrown. 

My pretty babe that’s so cold and mean,
What do you go and do when you don’t talk to me?
My mind is all gone, and my heart just won’t beat,

I’m losing myself when you don’t talk to me.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

True Grits

We won't ever be shaped by the shrill of your voice,
At least, I won't.
Come now, where's your sense of humor?
Bullshit plastic bags sit idly by in the drainage pipe,
Looking back at you and laughing at your existence.

Look ma, no life. No one's fucking impressed
With your absence of a soul
Do you really think you can see through these colours
And discover what the rest of the human race is scratching for?
Because I can't fucking find it.

Harmonize with me and maybe we'll find some solace
In the fact that we're two beautiful animals eating each other alive.
Holy shit, hot grits on the griddle plate taste like an infirmary warning.
Ripe and raw and supple with the flavors of things you have no choice over.
This is reliquary.

Can you see how much harm they do?
How about we get the fuck out of here and go someplace warm
Actually not even warm, I don't care
I just want to be somewhere other than the vacant gaping hole that I'm in.
You're a ghost. You're a ghost. You're a ghost. You're a ghost. You're a ghost.

Dear Lord, I don't know what's going on.
But I'm trying to be patient.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Sad Songs From A Colder Country

"Looking at the sunset skyline that resembles 
The creases in the corners of your mouth when you smile. 
Where have you been lately?"

A hollow horn from a faraway train can be heard through the coldness in this place
It sits atop the canyons and resonates when it wants, it does it's best to claim it's place as my new lasting haunt.
These tiny hands can only do so much in a day, while you're somewhere far away enjoying breaths from the day
And I'll be good, my dear. I promise I'll be good.
I think and think about all the "maybes" that I want to become "shoulds".
I'm paralyzed on a daily basis from the fear of going it alone,
I know I'm madly in love with you my dear, more than I love this new town I call a home.

I count the hours that go between each message from afar,
I don't care if they're nice or mean, it just means I'm a part of where you are.
And oh Lord, how I am trying. I am trying to be the best man that I can be,
I look back at those empty days with disdain, I look at the future as one big "maybe".
Count blessings like you're counting the stars, but once you get into it you forget exactly where you start
And we're alone now, yes you and me
But not alone with each other, we're just two oarless boats in the same hopeless sea
I pray for clarity, oh God, and how I pray for belief
I pray that one day very soon you will open your chest and see there's a spot designed perfectly for me
But not tonight, and probably not tomorrow,
I'll have to keep on sitting alone in this foreign town and keep on searching for the right path to follow.

I miss the warmth from your bed, I long for the brushing of your carpet against my cheek
I miss the feeling I got when my brown eyes would glow a bit from your blue eyes reflecting back at me
I had a universe in a corner of that room, where entire planets of interests would collide
And create new worlds in their wake, ones made from the passion you could provide.
But now I sleep on someone else's property, I live on someone else's time
I know I have a lot to prove, but holy shit, that's such a steep climb.
And I will climb to the top, and I will shout your name from the precipice
I want to hold you above me so you're the tallest, proudest thing on this canvas.
I want to celebrate your wins, I want to spit at those who doubt
I want to be the name at the tip of your tongue when people ask "what's the one thing you couldn't do without?"
If love is just a four letter word, then I want to be the one to make you spell it out slowly,
Making every sound out your mouth last longer than the one before until it becomes the only word you ever speak.

It's getting cold to the touch out here, just like the passions you give
This lonely place only serves to remind me of the position that we're currently in.
But who's job is it to conquer? To brazen up and survive and provide?
I don't expect a whole lot to come to me now, because I know how I used to push it aside.
We all start out young and dumb and selfish and the worst of our kind.
I just hope you truly believe in the changes going on inside & outside.
It's awful quiet in this new town of mine, it's off to a rocky start
But who would ever want to look back and read a book about how things were always fine the way they are?
I now sleep all alone, on a couch where the memories decide to sit on my side
I pray to Jesus every night and day that this is all leading me to all I desire.
I try to count the cherished moments share, just like trying to count the stars
But they all flood in at once and so I never get very far.
One always sticks out in particular, for whatever moment that may be
But it never gets old or tired or corrupted, and that's how I know the things I tell you, I truly mean.

One day, we will feel no pain at all. This will all just be a funny memory
Of a lowly time when I was just a pathetic man only dreaming of you here with me.
To imagine the taste of victory, in these troubled times and town,
I know sometime very soon, all these evils swimming up will lose their faith in me and drown.
It's been months now, darling, and these things have a habit of dying in their own time.
I just hope you can accept that and push on, pull through to me and leave it all behind.
All we can do is hope, we can't pretend to be foolish and think
That we will never rise again, shine beautifully and become overwhelmed by the sight of everything.
Of all the colors and the happiness and the future that dreams bring
I can't force myself to drown when I know it's all waiting there for me.
And it's waiting for you too, it's grinding in teeth in impatience for us
It wants to shake us loose from these confines and roll us together in it's arms
It's all there, it wants to come back, it wants to be seen and realized
It wants to be enjoyed by us as promised, it wants to savor us for all that time
We spent wallowing in fear, in desperation and hate
It wants to see us realized and wrap us in good faith.
Now will you see it through? See us shine? See your love for me?
Oh darling, sweet beautiful baby, dear, I want this more than anyone could believe.
I want the kingdom of Heaven to envy us, the canyons to quake as we enter the halls,
I just can't wait to have the stars fall down just get a closer look at how we have it all.
I look up to no man, because they will never have what I will
And that includes you, darling, and it just means we will have it all.
We will have it all.

This is what passion looks like. There is beauty behind that sunset, and it's everything we've ever wanted.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Pictures

I don't want to ruin my pre-conceived thoughts of how I think you are.
I'd rather just sit in my disillusion of what you're really up to.
But in all honesty, it's probably not that bad.
I just don't want to know. At least not tonight.

Let's wait until tomorrow when I can find an activity 
To keep me occupied if it is upsetting.
But I think I have to approach it eventually and know
The truth just so I can deal with it accordingly.
The truth is usually a bit painful though, no matter what it is.
It makes me think a lot.
It makes me think and fantasize about realities and situations
That I shouldn't.

Then I make myself feel that pain just so I can absorb it
And then react accordingly.
I hurt myself, basically.
But it's all in an effort to know the truth
Get better, and grow.
Blame it on the OCD.

I just want to keep that pretty little picture of you untainted in my head.
But I need to embrace the ugly truth.
I just hope the truth isn't that ugly.
Maybe even pretty.
As pretty as you.

Friday, January 3, 2014

The Game of Abstaining

I can't help but hope for the burning.

Your tainted crooked smile smears across one cheek to the other,
Licking away at the fulfillment you enjoy as you taste sweet revenge.
One lover lied to another, one lover between another.

I hope that sense of satisfaction gasps like a vile perfume when it's gone,
When the lie of abstinence and devotion creeps up and murmurs
It's little revelations and corruptions into your ear:
"What you did to him, is what will happen to you.
What you said to him, will it happen to you too?"

The smoke you blew clouds and faded away any second guessing,
Any reluctance to embrace what typically happens time and time again.
I hope the lie was worth his embrace. I hope the lie chokes you down.
I hope you take one look at your new love and realize it was built on the corpse of another.

You choked the life out of yourself in the process, you will never heal.
Your open sores you suggest only to me and hide in the face of your new fuck
Will only fester and rot with the years going by.
I hope your deception tasted sweet, because mine will be sweeter.
A relationship built upon the lie of another will devastate you all.

You will burn for this, I will smile from the smoke.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Numb to the Wrists

Numb to the wrists, executed with cutthroat callousness.
Precise timing like it's been harbored for weeks.
I talk in circles chewing on my lips,
Cement mixing in the head poured out into speech.


Can't we all just throw down our arms?
But sad songs always sound better.
Oh God, I guess I'm not that clever.
I'm not clever enough to glide over this.


The hostility chewed you up to rot from the inside out
You can't plug empty holes with empty words.
And now that sickness has spread through your mouth,
Your teeth begin to glisten with the foam of a ravenous curse.
The glow inside has begun to decay,
It blinks and hums and twinkles but into new hues of grey.
My heart is sinking fast like a wedding bouquet,
And all I wanted was to crown royalty.


Collisions all wrapped in grandiose tapestries,
Collectively introducing new forms of punishment,
Of new definitions of forgiveness and judgement.
Treat me like the wash, reused and made clean.
Ground those words into the dirt, make love into a battlecry.


But sad songs always do sound better,
And I guess I really am not that clever.

Pink, Lavender, Blue...Grey.

Laugh all you want, but it's happened again.
I've reached that all too familiar point again, like how I knew it would come again.
I can't eat, I've puked all day, all I do is smoke and mope.

I can't think about her, I can't miss her.
I can't allow myself to remember the curves of her eyebrows,
How good she looked with and without makeup,
How I honestly had never seen a prettier face.

I can't think about how I've said this so many times before,
But yet this one felt oh so real,
So much better than the ones before,
How every moment she would come home from work,
I would get off my feet and get excited.

I can't let myself think about how I made the same mistakes again
(but not really),
How I did absolutely everything in my power to be a better man
And still came up short.
I can't think about the things she said, how she didn't love me,
How she didn't even like me
How she couldn't think of anything about me that she did like.
Then why spend so much time with me?
Why get an apartment with me? Why waste so much time?

I can't think about how I can be so unlikable, or what's wrong with me.
I can't start asking questions that I will never know the answers to.
I can't think about how all the lies and misinformation just keeps stacking up,
how I planned on making a life with this woman, with her baggage, with her children,
How I wanted to do the impossible with her, but got cut short.
Oh Lord, no. I can't think about the songs I've written for her,
Or the things I did NOT do, to please her.

I can't think about the things we shared and if we even shared them at all.
I can't miss all the intimate moments and details if those meant nothing at all.
All the talks, all the shared memories.
I just simply cannot. The lies hurt too much, and the truth even more.
What was true to begin with? The promises that didn't get kept.
I corrected my mistakes from previous encounters, I tried to give it my all when together,
Something that I never do. Why do I feel like I'm worthless?
Why was I lied to for a year?

Why  was I made the rebound for a girl that met me during her "party phase"?
Then when the time came to sober up and take off the rose-tinted glasses,
She no longer liked what she saw.
But I loved what I saw when that phase ended. How could it not be reciprocated?
How could someone so negative suck away all the positive I was giving?
Why were all my best efforts to change and be a good man not good enough?

Oh God, I'm asking questions. I'm starting to think.
I'll leave on this note: I loved her very much,
I saw through the flaws and loved everything about her.
I've never had that not reciprocated at all, and met with complete disgust before.
I'm sorry. I'm at a loss.

Apathetic Hubris

I enjoy a good joke from time to time,
Like a playful lover's bite.
I can boast ironic apprehension to what I am to find,
But I'm losing myself in this plight.

Hanging above me.

I'm losing everything;
A sense of foundation and of worry,
I'm losing most of those things
I never knew I had.
I can only puff up my chest so much
Before I'm choking on the boundaries,
I just can't keep coming up
With reasons why I should be sad.

Well how cliche was that?
Another attempt at a soliloquy,
We all know where we lie,
We can't help but fight our needs.

It's human nature to swallow down what we spit out,
It's the best interest of romance to buckle down.